Insane at the Knees
by Dessie
Summary: Lily Evans had big plans for her seventh year. She was going to be one of the best Head Girls ever, she was going to ace all her NEWTs, and she was not going to let James Potter get to her. So why is it all going wrong?
1. On a Subconscious Level

**Author's Note:** Thank you to Ada for being an awesome beta, as always.

**Insane at the Knees**

Remus blinked. 'Their first kiss?' Whatever he had been expecting Harry to ask him, it hadn't been that. 'What's brought this on?' he asked with a faint smile.

Harry looked embarrassed, twisting his hands nervously. 'Well...it's just that Sarah's been asking a lot of questions recently about me and Ginny, and how we got together and our first kiss and everything, and I suppose I just wondered...' He trailed off.

'You wondered about your own parents?' said Remus.

'I wondered if it was normal to want to know that kind of stuff about your parents,' he answered honestly. 'I don't know _anything_ about my parents when they were at school, or how they got together. I just wasn't curious, I suppose - there always seemed to be more important things to think about. And I always thought I'd have the time to talk to Sirius about it later, when his name was cleared and the war was over and everything, but...' He shrugged. 'Well, you know.'

Remus nodded. 'You could have asked me, though.'

'I know,' said Harry, 'but I felt a bit awkward about it. It's not as though you were around all that often,' he added, and Remus winced at the veiled accusation.

'I know,' he said quietly. 'I'm sorry. I've got time now, though, so what do you want to know?'

Harry shrugged. 'What can you tell me?'

'Well, you asked about their first kiss, right? Do you want to hear about that, or do you want to know about when they started going out? Though the second's a much more boring story...'

Harry blinked. 'They're not the same thing?'

'They're really, really not,' said Remus, smiling at the memory. 'Do you want to hear the story? Though I warn you, Harry, I'm not really much of a storyteller.'

'No, I want to hear it.'

'Well,' said Remus as he tried to work out where to begin. 'Well, I suppose it all started with a girl called Katy Hill...'

IatK

_'Katy! It's your lucky day. How would you like to go to Hogsmeade with someone even prettier than you are?_

_'That's ridiculous. Who told you I was obsessed with Lily Evans?_

_'Really? Well, he's lying._

_'Yeah, well, she's also lying._

_'Everyone knows those two never tell the truth..._

_'Oh come on, you can never trust the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team!'_

'How's he doing?' said an entirely new voice, and Remus jumped as Peter slid into the chair on the other side of the table.

'Well,' he said, 'it's difficult to tell since we can only hear his side of the conversation, but I'd hazard a guess it's not going too well.'

Sirius sighed heavily. 'There's got to be a way to get this thing to pick up more than one voice,' he said, picking up the device on the centre of the table. It was a small blue cube, currently emitting the tinny sound of James' voice trying to persuade Katy Hill that the whole thing with the Ravenclaw common room and the Dungbombs had never been proven to anyone's satisfaction.

'That's what you get for buying stuff in junk shops,' said Remus. 'Just be grateful it works at all.' He looked at Peter. 'How did it go?'

He shrugged. 'You know McGonagall. She _knows_ that James or Sirius probably did it, but she can't prove anything. I just got the standard lecture about misplaced loyalty and everything.'

'Good old McGonagall,' said Sirius fondly. 'You can depend on her.'

'Thought of anything to do with the Cube yet?' asked Remus, nodding at it. 'Not that eavesdropping on James' attempt at a love life isn't fun, of course...' he added dryly.

Sirius looked defensive. 'I'm working on it! Great inspiration doesn't just strike overnight, you know.'

'You've had weeks,' Peter pointed out.

'Yes, I know, but this needs careful planning. We don't want to waste something this good on...' He trailed off.

'Spying on James' love life?'

'Oh come on,' Sirius protested, 'that's not wasting it! I need a laugh, I've got detention with Sluggy tonight.' He looked depressed. 'I swear, if I hear one more word about how much Regulus enjoys his little get-togethers and how much I'd enjoy them too if I only gave them a chance, I'll...well, I don't know exactly, but I'll do something.'

'Probably something that will just land you right back in detention,' said Remus absently, flicking through his Tranfiguration textbook. 'Try not to let him get to you. Besides you should be flattered - seven years and he's still trying to get you to join his Slug Club.'

'Huh,' muttered Sirius. '_Slug Club_. Don't know how James puts up with it.'

'I'm sure there are compensations,' said Remus with a grin. 'Speaking thereof, has the Cube stopped working again or do you think James has given up?'

Sirius picked up the now silent device and peered at it, frowning. 'This is getting ridiculous, I thought we'd fixed this thing.'

'You did,' said a familiar voice suddenly from behind them, and all three started. 'I'd stopped talking.' James sat down in the free chair and put a small blue cube on the table next to its twin. 'Anyone care to explain why I found this thing in my pocket?'

'Um...'

'Er...'

'Well, you did say we ought to test it, James,' said Sirius defensively. 'And it worked great, we could hear you clear as a bell, all the way from the library.'

'Oh, well, that's okay, then,' said James, rolling his eyes. 'As long as spying on my private conversations is useful, well, please, go right ahead.'

Sirius clapped him on the back. 'Knew you'd see it like that, mate,' he said cheerfully. 'Time to change the subject, I think.'

'I agree,' said James. 'New subject.' He glared at Sirius. 'Padfoot, did you tell Katy Hill that I was obsessed with Lily Evans?'

Sirius widened his eyes innocently. 'Didn't you want her to know?'

'For the last time, Padfoot, I am _not_ obsessed with Lily Evans!'

IatK

'For the last time, Julie, I do _not_ fancy James Potter!'

Julie raised an eyebrow. 'Then why does he always get such a reaction out of you?'

'Because,' said Lily through gritted teeth, 'I find him to be the most singularly irritating person I have ever met or am likely to meet.'

'Right,' agreed Julie, 'like I said. You think you hate him, but you really fancy him on some unconscious level.'

'I- What?' Lily gave her friend a suspicious look. 'Have you been reading books again?'

'Subconsciously, you fancy James Potter,' Julie reiterated, 'and I bet you he'd say the same thing.'

'Please,' said Lily, 'he wouldn't even know what the word meant. I do not fancy Potter, on a subconscious level or otherwise, and that's my final word on the subject. Now, can we please just drop it?'

IatK

'Can we please just drop the subject? Would I be going to Hogsmeade with Katy next weekend if I were obsessed with Evans?'

'Yes,' said Sirius. 'You're trying to make Evans jealous, and convince us that you've moved on at the same time, thus killing two birds with one stone.'

'She said yes, then?' asked Peter, looking surprised.

'Of course she said yes! What woman has ever been able to resist the Potter charm?'

'Apart from Lily...' began Remus.

'Yes, okay, apart from Lily Evans,' said James, exasperated, 'who I was never seriously interested in, and only ever asked out because it seemed to irritate her so much.'

'Repeatedly,' said Sirius. 'For three years.'

'Precisely. Now, can we _please_ change the subject? Besides spying on your best friend, you thought of anything to do with the Cube yet?'

Remus laughed as Sirius groaned. 'Why does everyone keep asking me that?' he said defensively. 'I notice none of you lot have come up with any ideas.'

'Hey, I'm Head Boy now,' James protested. 'I have to be good and set an example and all of that now. I can't sit around thinking of ways to use that thing - especially since it's bound to be on Filch's banned list.'

'But if I come up with a good way to use it,' said Sirius, raising an eyebrow, 'you'll have no objections at all?'

'Of course,' said James. 'I see no moral problems with that.'

Sirius shook his head. 'I knew that badge would go to your head.'

'Speaking of which,' said Remus mildly, 'have you looked at the time, James?'

James looked at the time, swore loudly and jumped to his feet. 'Lily's going to kill me!'

'Well, look on the bright side,' said Sirius and picked up his Charms essay. 'Maybe that'll cure your obsession with her.'

'For the last time, Padfoot, I do not _have_ an obsess-' He sighed. 'Oh, forget it.'

IatK

Lily Evans, having parted from Julie in a huff on the second floor, was standing in the Prefects' common room, deciding the best position to be in when he finally turned up. Should she be standing opposite the entrance, arms folded, looking at her watch and tapping her feet in impatience, or should she be getting on with her work with her back to the door, clearly showing that she was indifferent to whether he turned up or not?

Because she was, she assured herself firmly, shuffling and reshuffling her papers for the meeting. Completely indifferent. Julie was just talking nonsense. James Potter had absolutely no effect on her. None whatsoever.

_'And whatever happens,'_ she added silently, _'however irritating he is, whatever he says, I will not let him get to me. I will not rise to the bait.'_ She suddenly heard running footsteps from down the corridor and bent her head to her papers, trying to ignore the odd sort of nervous feeling in her chest.

_'I will not let him get to me.'_

'Nice of you to show up,' she said, looking up as he entered the room. 'You remembered the password then?'

James, leaning against the doorway and looking around with interest, suddenly clasped his hands to his chest. 'Suddenly, she stood before him,' he cried melodramatically. 'Their eyes met. Especially hers.' He dropped the act, and his hands, and grinned at her. 'You know, Evans, you really ought to do something about that squint.'

'I don't have a squint!' she snapped before getting a grip on herself. Trying to pretend she hadn't reacted to the remark, she went on. 'If we're quite done with the theatrics, I'd like to get on with it. There's a few things I want to go over with you before the meeting - I know I said a lot of this on the train, but I have a lot of plans for this year, I really think the prefect system can be improved...and why are you staring at me like that?'

She glared at James and he started, looking oddly guilty. 'You know, Evans,' he said thoughtfully, 'if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.'

'If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours,' she said before she could stop herself.

He raised an eyebrow at her. 'Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.'

'I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!' she said defensively.

'Yeah, you told me that once, but I thought you were joking.'

'Well, that's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!'

'You, laugh?' he snapped. 'Without some kind of magical intervention?'

'Well, I...' She stopped, having run out of comebacks...and then froze in horror as she realised that she had let him get to her. _Dammit! What happened to not rising to the bait?_

She pulled herself together. 'Look, let's just get on with it, shall we?' she said with as much dignity as she could muster. 'I'm aware that this whole Head Boy thing is just a big joke to you - in fact, I'm pretty certain that everything in life is just a big joke to you - but this matters to me. So don't worry, I won't force you to do any work or anything at all. You just let me get on with my plans for this year and we'll stay out of each other's way. Deal?'

She glared at James, who looked back at her defensively, arms folded. He shrugged. 'Fine.'

'Good.'

'Glad that's settled.' He crossed over to the seat besides hers and sat down, looking around the room. 'So where is everyone? I thought you said the meeting started at half past six?'

'I did,' said Lily. 'I said that so that there was the slightest possibility of you turning up before seven, which is when the meeting actually starts.'

He looked offended. 'Honestly, Evans, it's almost as though you don't trust me!'

Lily said nothing, but looked pointedly at the clock.

He followed her gaze and shrugged. 'Fair enough.'

IatK

The meeting for the most part was as boring as James had expected it to be. Having little to contribute - not that Lily would have let him if he'd tried - he spent the majority of the time idly watching Lily and wondering (not for the first time) about his own sanity. How could he be in love with someone who got this excited over rotas, for goodness sake?

He was, of course. Completely head over heels. He'd deny it to his best friends under threat of torture, and nothing in this world would ever get him to admit it to Lily, but it was something he'd come to terms with himself some months ago. It wasn't really something that affected his daily life, and it certainly wasn't something that would stop him from asking out other girls - what, was he supposed to waste away his life pining after someone who hated him? - but was just a part of his life now. A new school year at Hogwarts meant lessons to be attended, Quidditch to be played, and Lily Evans to obsess over.

He was aware that it was a funny kind of love, considering the delight he took in irritating her, and he was also aware that he had no chance with her unless he stopped tormenting her and managed to convince her that he'd changed. But something in him just couldn't help starting an argument every time they spoke. Maybe it was her. Maybe something about her brought out the worst in him.

Or maybe he just wasn't a very nice person; something he had suspected more than once, especially after the events of last year. Besides, it was _fun_ causing her to turn that particular shade of bright pink that clashed so horribly with her hair.

He grinned to himself at the thought, before realising that the girl in question had fallen silent and the whole room was staring at him expectantly.

'Um...what?'

'I said,' said Lily, sounding irritated, 'that in order to implement all these changes, I think it would be useful to have prefect meetings once a week, instead of once a month. Do you agree?' she said in that special tone of voice that means 'you do agree, don't you'.

He opened his mouth to agree automatically...then her words sunk in. 'What? No!'

A murmur ran around the room and Lily froze. 'Why not?' she said, dangerously polite.

'Look, I agree with everything else you said,' he said, aware that he hadn't heard most of it, 'but we don't _need_ weekly meetings. We don't have enough to talk about! And we've got NEWTs coming up, and the fifth years have got OWLs and everything - people just don't have the time. And Quidditch and the Slug Club and everyone's activities... We all need all the free evenings we can get just to get through the work.'

'Well, maybe if you spent less time skiving off in lessons with your friends,' said Lily through gritted teeth, 'you wouldn't have to do so much catching up in the evenings!'

'I do not 'skive off'!' said James, stung. He paused. 'What does that even mean? Is that a Muggle thing?'

Lily sighed. 'Never mind. The point is, just because you overfill your evenings doesn't mean everyone else does. Prefect duties ought to come first!'

'Really?' said James, raising an eyebrow. 'Surely school work should come first?'

'Of course,' she snapped, flustered. 'That's what I meant. But this stuff is important, and we need the extra time to do it all!'

'I'm not saying it isn't important, I'm just saying that we shouldn't overload people when they have enough to do already!'

'Um, could I interject here?' said a sixth year Ravenclaw, raising his hand.

'What?' snapped James and Lily in perfect unison. They paused and looked at each other warily.

Lily recovered first. 'What is it, Kenny?'

'Well,' he said cautiously, 'could we not compromise? I mean, once a week might be a bit too often, but I think Lily's right, once a month is just too long between meetings...so why don't we meet once a fortnight?'

There was a pause while all the prefects looked expectantly at their Head Boy and Girl. 'Now, why didn't we think of that?' said James dryly.

'Because you were too busy arguing?' said a prefect quietly in the back row.

Lily glared at the offender. 'Fine,' she said wearily. 'Let's vote on it. Anyone for once a week?'

No hands went up.

'Once a month?'

Two Slytherins, a Gryffindor and a Hufflepuff put their hands up.

'Once a fortnight?'

A forest of hands went up, including James'. Lily sighed. 'You don't have voting rights, Potter,' she pointed out.

'Oh, sorry.' He put it down again.

'Fine, motion carried. The next meeting will therefore be in two weeks time, on the Wednesday the week after next.'

'What?' said James. 'Sorry, Lily, that's Quidditch practice.'

'Well, you'll just have to miss it then, won't you,' said Lily, gathering her papers together on her clipboard.

He stared at her in disbelief. 'Miss _Quidditch_? Frazz would kill me! And Danny!'

Danny Peakes, fifth year prefect and Beater for Gryffindor, looked puzzled. 'Why would I kill you for missing practice? I'd have to miss it too.'

'I didn't mean that you would kill me, I meant that Frazz would kill you as well as me.'

'Ah, right.'

'Could we have less talk of killing, please?' said Lily. 'It's the only free evening that week, deal with it.'

James looked thoughtful. 'What about the Tuesday?'

'Tony and Linda have Gobstones Club.'

'What, and that's more important than Quidditch? Okay, fine, what about Monday?'

'It's one of Slughorn's get-togethers, half of us are going to that.'

'Thursday?'

'Charms Club.'

'Friday?'

She hesitated before saying firmly, 'I'm busy.'

James looked at her in deep suspicion. 'Really? Doing what?'

'I'm tutoring someone in Potions.'

'Can't you do that another night?'

She shrugged, looking smug. 'I don't have another night free.'

'Yes, you do,' said James, resisting the urge to match her smug smile with his own. 'You must have Wednesday free, or you wouldn't have suggested it.'

'Well...I...'

'That's settled, then!' he said cheerfully, clapping his hands together. 'Friday night it is. Meeting's over, you can go now,' he added to the prefects, who were all watching in rapt attention.

Slowly, obviously not wanting to miss the show, the prefects gathered up their things and wandered out of the room. James waited until they had all left before turning to Lily.

'Okay, what the hell was all that about?'

'I have no idea what you mean,' she said stiffly, standing up and putting her bag over her shoulder.

'Oh come on, Evans. You want to argue with me, that's fine, I quite enjoy it and it doesn't hurt anyone. But what do you have against the Quidditch team?' James paused as a thought struck him. 'Is this about tryouts? Are you still annoyed because you didn't make the team?'

'Of course not,' she said, but he could tell by the way her shoulders stiffened that he'd struck a nerve.

'That's it, isn't it? Look, I'm sorry that you keep trying out and getting nowhere. I thought you flew really well at tryouts -' and he was telling the truth, he had been impressed '- but Frazz is a good captain and he picked the best people. It was just bad luck.'

'Oh really?' she cried suddenly, wheeling around to face him. 'Look, you're a better flyer than I am, I admit that - or at least you would be if you worked a bit harder at it and stopped showing off so much,' she added, stopping the smile that had crept onto James' face. 'But the other two? I scored three more goals than Sam, and Pippa dropped the Quaffle twice, for god's sake!'

James frowned. 'So what are you suggesting?'

'I'm not suggesting anything,' she said, moving towards the door. 'But if I were suggesting anything, I would _suggest_ that you take a good look at that Quidditch team, and the makeup of every team since your beloved captain took over. Think about it.'

James blinked at her as she opened the door and left. What did she mean?

He was still pondering it when the door suddenly reopened and Lily stuck her head back round it.

'By the way, Potter,' she said hesitantly, 'what does the word 'subconsciously' mean to you?'

He gaped at her, completely nonplussed. 'Not a thing.'

'Good,' she said smugly. 'Anyone ever tell you that you have a marvellous vocabulary?'

'I always knew that,' he said, still wondering about this abrupt change of subject. 'I could just never put it into words.'

She rolled her eyes and began to shut the door behind her.

'I suppose I knew it subconsciously,' he added, and grinned as she froze in the doorway.

'I hate you, Potter.'

'I know.'

IatK

'James!' Sirius greeted him cheerfully as he entered the common room. 'We've figured it out!'

James slumped in the spare chair at the table, still thinking furiously about what Lily had meant. 'Figured what out?'

'Listen,' said Sirius, and he pointed his wand at the Cube. '_Lascivio tergum!_'

The Cube glowed purple and James' voice began to issue from it once again.

_'That's ridiculous. Who told you I was obsessed with Lily Evans...? Really? Well, he's lying...'_

'Okay, fine, I get the point,' said James wearily, not wanting to hear it again. 'You can play it back. How did you figure that out?'

Sirius shrugged. 'Latin dictionary and some guesswork.'

'How was the meeting?' said Remus mildly.

'Fine.'

'Let me guess,' said Sirius, grinning. 'You and Evans spent most of it sniping at each other, and now all the prefects think you're both insane.'

'Pretty much,' James admitted. He had lost interest in the Cube, his eyes roving around the common room, looking for members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. What had Lily meant? He spotted Pippa and Danny in one corner, talking cheerfully, and that was Sam over by the fireplace, surrounded by fellow fourth years, and Frazz Davies was at the next table, hunched over a diagram of a Quidditch pitch...

And then he saw it.

He sighed. 'Oh, bugger.'


	2. Deep Thinking

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far! My apologies for the delay in getting this chapter out. This story seems to be heading in a different direction from where it started, but hopefully the next few chapters will be up a little quicker.

**Chapter 2: Deep Thinking**

James Potter was not, as a rule, much given to introspection. Okay, there had been those few horrible months earlier this year when everything had seemed to turn upside down and he'd found himself doing some pretty hard thinking, but he'd chosen to view that as a temporary aberration. Just the world going insane for a brief while. And now, everything was back on track and things were back to normal. Including happy-go-lucky him.

_So why,_ he thought to himself gloomily, shifting in his seat, _was he sat here in the changing rooms having deep thoughts?_

'Potter?'

_It has to be a coincidence..._

'Potter!'

_No one would do that deliberately, would they?_

'James flipping Potter!'

_Lily was imagining things - he was imagining things. It had to be a coincidence..._

'Oy! Four-eyes!'

A piece of chalk flew out of nowhere and hit James in the forehead. He blinked owlishly and shook his head, as though to clear out the unwanted deep thoughts.

'Oh,' he said guiltily. 'Sorry, Frazz, did you say something?'

Frazz Davies opened and shut his mouth a few times, looked ready to explode, but apparently thought better of it. He contented himself with breathing heavily a few times.

'I am on the verge of flipping greatness here, Potter,' he said in a voice closer to a growl. 'I have the chance to make my mark in Hogwarts history. Do you know how many House Captains have won the championship three flipping years in a row?'

'No,' said James, curious. 'How many?'

Frazz paused. 'Well, actually - I don't know. No one records that sort of thing. But that's not important,' he went on, finding his train of thought again. 'What is important is that I am about to go down as one of the greatest Gryffindor captains ever, and no one is going to mess that up for me, you hear? So pay some flipping attention! I am about to - yes, Pippa, what is it?'

The small third year next to James put her hand down. 'Don't you mean we?'

He stared at her. 'What?'

'Well, you keep saying 'I' and 'me', but surely you mean we and us? After all, you're not going to win anything without the whole team, are you?'

The rest of the team nodded agreement, and James tried to stifle his laughter at the sight of Frazz's expression.

'Right, yes,' he said uncomfortably. 'I meant us, obviously. Now, if every member of the team is paying some flipping attention, can we get back to it?' He turned back to the chalkboard, lifted his arm and paused. 'Um…where was I?'

'You were about to tell us the one thing you need to be a flipping successful Quidditch player,' Sam said helpfully.

'Yes, that's right.' He seemed to regain his confidence. 'Right. The one thing you need to be a successful Quidditch player is dedication and commitment.' He wrote the words on the board as he spoke, complete with much underlining and exclamation marks.

'Um...Frazz?' said Danny hesitantly. 'Isn't that two things?'

'What?'

'That's two things. Dedication and commitment. Two things.'

'He's right, you know.'

'Actually, he's not. Dedication and commitment both mean the same thing, so that's only one thing.'

'And one word's redundant, so it's a whajamacallit...'

'A tautology?'

'That's right! A tautology.'

'Actually, it isn't a tautology, because dedication and commitment do mean slightly different things - you can be committed to something without being dedicated to it -'

'Shut up! Shut up! Will you please all just shut the flip up!' Frazz was practically on the verge of tears - well, angry tears - as he glared around at the team. 'It's flipping irrelevant! Will you all please just flipping concentrate, so we can get some flipping work done!' He turned back to the board, glared at it for a moment as though it had personally insulted him, and then threw the chalk at the wall in frustration. 'I give up. Everyone, grab your broomsticks and let's go and play some flipping Quidditch.'

'Of course, he didn't actually say flipping,' Remus felt obliged to point out, 'he said -'

'I get it, thank you, Professor.'

Practice that evening was Not Good. Well, the Keeper was okay, though not exactly tested by the half-hearted moves of the Chasers. The Beaters weren't too bad, but Danny and Geoff rarely strayed out of their own little world and noticed what was going on in the rest of the game anyway. Frazz had more than once tried to drill some tactics in their heads, but without success - they would just stare at him blankly and point out that they hit the Bludgers with the bats. Those _were_ their tactics.

The Chasers, on the other hand...

'Okay, _I'm_ having some sort of personal crisis,' thought James irritably as he watched Pippa Prescott throw the Quaffle wildly and hit her fellow Chaser in the head. 'What's their excuse?'

Both of the new girls had flown reasonably well at try-outs - not that he could remember much of them first hand, as whenever he hadn't been flying himself, his eyes had been locked on Lily Evans - but both of them, Pippa especially, seemed to fall to pieces when asked to perform the most basic moves in practice. And the more James watched them, the more that little voice at the back of his mind wondered if maybe it wasn't just a coincidence...

_Maybe Lily had a point..._

'All right!' cried Frazz eventually, bringing a halt to the whole sorry affair. 'That's enough! I can't take any more. We'll have an extra practice on Saturday, and just... just be flipping _better_, all right?'

They trudged back to the changing rooms in thankful silence, most of the team heading back to the castle as quickly as they possibly could. James lingered, however, until Frazz had rolled up the last of his pitch diagrams and left, muttering what were probably obscenities under his breath. Left alone in the dark changing room, James sat down on one of the benches and exhaled loudly. He didn't believe it, he didn't want to believe it for one second because it was so patently ludicrous, and yet...

He sat there in silence for some minutes before getting a grip on himself. This was stupid. What he had to do, he realised with a sinking feeling, was talk to Lily and find out exactly what she had meant. Chances are she hadn't spotted what James had spotted and he was panicking over nothing - and if she had spotted the same thing, all he had to do was to convince her that it was just a coincidence.

Right after he convinced himself of that.

No problem.

With a groan, he pulled himself upright, pushed his glasses up his nose and set out to face the dragon.

At the moment James made his decision, Lily Evans was sat in the library, staring at a Charms textbook without seeing it at all. Partly because the text was extremely dull - what was the point of learning about spells that are so obscure and complex that no one ever actually performed them? - but mainly because it was hard to read anything when all she could hear were the words 'I shouldn't have said anything, I shouldn't have said anything,' echoing round and round in her head. She groaned.

_'I can't believe I told him...'_

Of course, she hadn't told Potter anything, not really. But she had insinuated something, and that was just as bad. It's one thing to have suspicions or even beliefs, but it's another thing to tell someone about them - especially if that person then turns around and says, 'Prove it'. And that was the thing, she couldn't prove it. Half the time, she didn't even believe it herself. But coincidences like that don't just happen, do they...?

'Concentrate!' she told herself fiercely, and directed her attention back to the book.

_Once the charm has been cast, it is impossible to switch from one Secret Keeper to another without breaking the enchantment and starting again. The witch or wizard casting the Fidelius Charm must therefore be very careful in selecting their Secret Keeper..._

Not that James had asked her for proof, she thought, her attention drifting again. Or said anything to her in the last week at all. In fact, she got the distinct impression he was avoiding her. She had a sneaking suspicion that he still hadn't worked out what she had meant about the Quidditch team, and was avoiding her until he could figure it out, which made her slightly disappointed, oddly enough. Potter was supposed to be _intelligent_, for goodness sake. Unless he had worked it out, of course, and was avoiding her for other reasons...

She forced her attention back to the book.

_This inflexibility, however, although one of the strengths of the Fidelius charm, can also be a weakness in many practical situations. If the Secret Keeper is incapacitated in any way..._

_'Oh, who cares!'_ she thought irritably and slammed the book shut. What was wrong with her? It wasn't as though she minded Potter avoiding her. On the contrary, she was enjoying the peace and quiet. Really, it was quite a relief not to have him constantly asking her out.

Not that he did that much any more. At all. In fact, she didn't think he'd asked her out once since they had got back to school this September. This was a good thing, obviously. She was glad about it. It's just that she had had some really scathing comebacks prepared and now they were going to go to waste. There was a rumour going around as well that he had asked out Katy Hill, but she was sure that was a load of nonsense...

'Evans?'

She gave a small shriek, jolted out of her thoughts. 'Don't do that, Potter!' she said, glaring at him. 'Do you want to give me a heart attack?'

'Sorry,' he said, not looking it as he slid into the chair on the other side of the table.

There was a pause.

'Well?' said Lily eventually, seeing as he didn't seem inclined to start the conversation any time soon.

'Well, what?'

'You were the one who said my name and sat down opposite me,' she pointed out. 'And you don't have any books or anything with you, so I'm guessing education isn't the point of your visit...'

He looked down guiltily. 'Oh. Right. Er...Evans...'

'Yes?' she said, suspecting she was going to have to do most of the work in this conversation.

'Well, you see... the thing is...' He stopped and started again. 'When you said... I mean, what did you...?' He stopped again and Lily sighed in frustration.

'Is this going somewhere, Potter?'

He opened and shut his mouth a couple more times, before suddenly standing up so fast his chair fell over. 'Never mind.'

'You interrupted my studying for that?' she said in disbelief.

He shrugged and grinned at her. 'Sorry. I haven't annoyed you very much in the last few days, I thought I'd better make up for it.' He saluted her and turned to go.

'I take it you've finally noticed, then?' she called to his retreating back.

He faltered for a moment before flashing her another grin over his shoulder. 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

She smiled with grim certainty. 'Yeah, you do.'

_I knew I wasn't imagining things..._

James made his way back to the common room in a state of high gloom. _'I can't believe I chickened out,'_ he thought morosely, giving the Fat Lady the password and climbing in the portrait hole. _'Why can't I just ask her what she meant?'_

He knew the answer to that, of course, even if he couldn't admit it to himself - if he asked Lily what she had meant she might tell him, and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.

He scanned the common room for his friends in vain, before spotting the unfamiliar sight of Remus sat at a table on his own, frowning at a piece of parchment. Wondering vaguely where the other two were, James made his way over to the table, a faint spark of hope beginning to kindle in his chest. If he could talk to anyone about this without them jumping to conclusions or being judgemental...

'Hey, Moony,' he said, sounding much more cheerful than he felt.

Remus looked up, his expression clearing. 'Oh, hi, James. How was practice?'

James paused. 'Odd.'

'Odd how?' Remus said absently, returning to his homework. 'Have you done that essay for McGonagall yet?'

'What? Oh, no... not yet. Look, Moony -' He stopped. How on earth was he supposed to start this conversation? 'You love Quidditch, don't you?'

Remus blinked at him. 'Yes, of course.'

'But you've never tried out for the team.'

'James, is this going somewhere?' he asked.

James tried to shrug casually. 'Just wondered why, that's all.'

'I should have thought that was obvious,' said Remus with a wry smile.

'Right,' said James guiltily. 'Of course. The... thing. Your furry little problem.'

Remus burst out laughing. 'Actually, I was referring to the fact I'm just not very good at it.'

'Oh.'

There was a pause before Remus said mildly, 'Something on your mind, James?'

'Well... you know the Quidditch team?'

'It is something with which I am familiar, yes.'

'Well... have you ever noticed anything about it?'

Remus frowned. 'In what respect?'

'Well, anything odd. Or anything that's probably a coincidence, but might not be, though it most likely is.'

'Was that even English?'

James sighed. 'Look, let me put it another way.' He thought for a moment. 'You watched tryouts this year, didn't you?'

'Yes,' said Remus, looking even more puzzled.

'What did you think of... I mean, do you think...?' He got a grip on himself. 'I mean, did the best people make the team, in your opinion?'

'Well,' said Remus slowly, 'I think the people who made the team are all very good, if that's what you -'

'No, I mean...did the best people make it? Out of everyone you saw?'

Remus looked at him severely. 'Prongs, this wouldn't happen to be about Lily Evans, would it?'

'No!' said James defensively. 'Well, not exactly. Maybe. Sort of. How did you know?'

'It's always a pretty safe bet with you, James. Was she upset she didn't make the team?'

James hesitated. 'Sort of.' He was beginning to feel a bit more hopeful - if Remus hadn't noticed, maybe he was just imagining things...

'Is it to do with the fact that every member of the Gryffindor team since Frazz Davies became Captain has been a pureblood?' Remus asked directly, and the spark of hope inside James didn't so much die as come crashing down to earth in a blaze of fire.

'Oh. You noticed that, did you?'

Remus leaned forward, looking serious. 'Look, James, there aren't that many purebloods _in_ Gryffindor. I doubt I'm the only one who's noticed. But I'm sure it's a coincidence - Davies has picked good players, and the team's won for the last two years, so I don't think anyone's complaining. And I'm sure if anything was up, McGonagall would have done something about it.'

'That's true,' said James, feeling a bit more hopeful. 'I mean, Davies is a decent bloke. I'm sure it's a coincidence.'

'They do happen occasionally,' said Remus, smiling. 'Do I take it Lily thinks differently?'

'I don't know,' said James gloomily. 'I don't even know if that's what she's referring to, or what she believes. She didn't actually say anything, she just sort of hinted, and I haven't had the courage to ask her what she actually meant.'

Remus' mouth twitched. 'And you a Gryffindor.'

James thought about what he had just said and couldn't help grinning himself. 'I know, it's a bit pathetic isn't it?'

'If you're really worried about this, Prongs, you need to talk to Lily about it.'

'I'm not worried about it! I'm sure it's a coincidence. Besides,' he added, 'we're not all purebloods.'

'You're not?'

'No. I know for a fact that Sam has one Muggleborn grandparent.'

Remus gave him a look.

James sighed. 'I know. I'll talk to her.'

He didn't talk to her, of course, or at least not immediately. Not, he reassured himself, slumped in an armchair in the common room on Saturday, because of a lack of Gryffindor courage or anything like that, but because these things are delicate and shouldn't be rushed into.

Oh, who was he kidding? He sighed heavily.

'What's the matter with him?' asked Sirius, frowning absently at the chessboard in front of him.

Remus shrugged, prodding a knight forward. 'The usual.'

'Oh, Evans again.'

'This has got nothing to do with Evans!' James protested, glaring at Remus, who at least had the grace to look apologetic.

'Is it about Quidditch, then?' Sirius moved a bishop with a decidedly smug air, though Remus looked unaffected.

'Padfoot, I do have other interests in life besides Quidditch and Lily Evans!'

'Really?' said Peter, sat watching the game with interest. He looked up. 'What are they?'

James paused, his mind gone blank. 'Stuff,' he said eventually. 'But this has nothing to do with Quidditch or Lily Evans, I promise you!'

'You know, James,' said a female voice, and he turned around quickly to find Katy Hill smiling at him, 'for someone who's not obsessed with Lily Evans, you do seem to talk about her an awful lot.'

'I am not obsessed with her,' James protested feebly. 'These clowns were the ones who brought her up. In fact,' he went on, ignoring the noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort from Sirius' direction, 'I can hardly ever remember which one she is.'

'She's sat over there,' Katy said helpfully, and James almost broke his neck as the instinct to whip his head round was followed a split-second later by the realisation that this would rather give the game away. 'Very noticeable red hair. You've had lessons with her every day for the last seven years. And she's Head Girl.'

'See? Instantly forgettable,' said James.

Katy laughed a little longer than the not very funny joke expected. 'So...'

'So...' he repeated blankly, aware of Sirius and Remus exchanging looks out of the corner of his eye.

'How are you?' she asked.

'I'm fine.' There was a long pause. James had a feeling something was expected of him.

'Oh, how are you?' he said eventually, realisation dawning.

'I'm good, thanks.' She smiled at him, and seemed to be waiting for something, though he was damned if he knew what it was.

'So, what are you up to today?' she asked.

'Um, not much really.' There was another awkward pause. 'Oh, um, how about you?'

'Not much. Thought I might go for a walk, actually.' She gave him a pointed look.

James felt he was beginning to catch up to this conversation. 'That sounds like a good idea. Would you mind some company?'

Her smile broadened. 'That would be nice. I'll get my cloak.'

James waited until she had disappeared up the girls' dormitory stairs before turning on his friends. 'If any of you says anything,' he warned, wagging a finger, 'just one word...'

Sirius looked offended. 'Why are you looking at me? I haven't said anything!'

'Yeah, well,' James muttered, 'just make sure you don't.' He plastered a smile back onto his face as Katy reappeared. 'Fancy wandering down to the lake?'

'Sounds like fun.'

On the way to the portrait hole, James tried his hardest not to look in the direction of the flash of red hair to his right - but his neck muscles had their own ideas. His eyes met hers, briefly, before Lily looked away. Feeling oddly discomforted, James helped Katy out of the portrait hole and they set off.

'Katy...' he began hesitantly, 'have you ever noticed anything odd about the Gryffindor Quidditch team...?'


	3. The Slow Torture of a Sunday Afternoon

**Chapter 3: The Slow Torture of a Sunday Afternoon**

Lily used to like Sundays. For the first six years of her Hogwarts career, she had always tried to finish all her homework on Saturday so that she could spend Sundays reading books lazily by the common room fire. This year, however, for some reason her work ethic just wasn't what it was. Twice now she had found herself still frantically finishing essays at ten o'clock on a Sunday night - and the worst part was having no idea why.

It was not, she was quite certain, because she was love-sick as her friends kept insinuating. Lily was feeling quite uncertain about a lot of things at the moment, but she was certain that the idea that James Potter had any influence on her homework was as ridiculous as it had ever been. If it was anything on this particular Sunday afternoon, it was the letter currently residing on her bedside table up in the dormitory...but no, she reminded herself firmly, she was not going to think about that.

So she sat and stared at the blank piece of parchment that was supposed to be her Arithmancy essay without seeing it at all, as the chatter of her friends and the constantly noisy common room rose and fell around her. And yet, despite the letter, and her NEWTs and Head Girl duties and the letter and Quidditch and the letter and everything else she had to worry about...every time she closed her eyes she kept seeing James and Katy leaving the common room yesterday, his hand on the small of her back as he helped her out of the portrait hole.

_'Don't close your eyes, then,'_ she scolded herself and made a renewed attempt to tackle the essay.

The words kept swimming in front of her eyes, however, and the rising noise levels in the common room made it impossible to concentrate. Glancing up with a frown, she saw that most of the commotion was coming from a table in the corner; and as the mass of bodies in front of her shifted slightly, she saw four familiar heads bent over something as the crowd cheered them on indiscriminately.

Swallowing the surge of anger that had risen in her throat, she ignored the sound of James' laughter issuing from the corner and stood up, slamming her books closed. Julie, who had been staring at the same page of her Transfiguration textbook for the last half an hour, looked up in surprise.

'Can't concentrate,' said Lily by way of explanation.

Julie grimaced. 'Don't blame you.' She closed her own book and got to her feet as well. 'Want to go to the library?'

'No...' said Lily slowly, an idea forming. 'It's just...I've got a bit of a headache. Think I'll go for a walk, get some fresh air.' It wasn't entirely a lie, either - the noise level in the common room was beginning to get unbearable and she could feel her forehead beginning to throb. 'Join you there in a bit?' she added, seeing Julie's frown. 'Once I've sorted this lot out.' She jerked her head towards the corner and Julie snorted.

'Good luck with that,' she said, gathering up her books and leaving. Lily waited until the portrait hole had swung shut before gathering her courage and heading over to the source of the noise.

'What _do_ you think you're doing?' she hissed, having used both elbows to fight her way through the crowd to the centre of the commotion. 'There are people trying to work here!'

Four heads looked up at her in identical surprise. The laughter and cheering died away almost instantly and people standing at the edges of the crowd began edging away, looking innocent. To her satisfaction, most of those who were too slow or unable to move away looked guilty or nervous, but Sirius stared at her defiantly.

'If they want quiet they can go to the library, can't they? We were just letting off some steam!'

'Letting off some steam?' she repeated. She looked down at the table for the first time and was surprised to see what appeared to be a miniature bonfire in the middle, which was in fact producing plenty of smoke if not steam. 'What exactly are you doing?'

He folded his arms and glared at her. 'Fairly certain that's none of your business, actually.'

She copied his gesture and glared back. 'Fairly certain that it _is_, actually, if you're disturbing the rest of the common room and doing something dangerous.'

'It's not dangerous,' said another voice, and Lily forced herself to look at James for the first time. She was surprised to find that he had a slightly sheepish look about him, rather than joining in with Sirius' stubborn defiance, but he met her eyes anyway and shrugged. 'Sorry, Evans. We were just messing around and we didn't realise how noisy we were being. Right, guys?' he said encouragingly.

'Right, sorry,' said Peter quickly.

'Sorry, Lily,' said Remus. 'James is right, we just got a bit carried away.'

All three of them looked at Sirius, who glared back for a moment before relaxing and unfolding his arms. 'Fine,' he said shortly. 'We'll be quieter.'

'Right,' said Lily blankly, completely unprepared for this reaction. She pulled herself together and stood up a little straighter, remembering the audience that still surrounded them. 'Right, well, as long as that's understood. I thought better of you, Remus,' she added. 'You were a prefect. And you-' she rounded on James and gestured at the badge gleaming proudly on his chest '-what's the point of wearing that thing if you're still going to act like an ass anyway?'

She turned quickly, before he could retort, and fought her way back through the crowd, avoiding all eye contact. A muffled comment from someone that sounded like Sirius floated back to her, followed by a few sniggers - and then, to her surprise, she heard James' voice.

'Shut up.'

She paused momentarily, unable to stop the instinct that made her head turn around. Her eyes met his once again and he winked at her. Feeling her face begin to flush, she flung her hair back over her shoulder as haughtily as she dared and left.

'What's her problem?' asked Sirius, pointing his wand at the bonfire once again. The flames began to twist and curl, eventually forming the shape of a great dog which growled and bared its fangs.

Remus looked up and shrugged mildly, which James thought was pretty good of him considering that he had told them three times to keep it down before Lily had come over. Much to his own surprise, James had felt quite guilty as she had shouted at them, knowing she was probably right. He was just incredibly thankful that she - or any of the girls in the common room for that matter - hadn't seen the particular shapes the fire had been making before she arrived.

Not particularly inclined to answer Sirius' question himself, James flicked his own wand at the fire, causing antlers to form on the dog's head. Not quite the effect he had been going for, but aesthetically pleasing nonetheless, he decided with his head on one side.

'And what's wrong with you?' Sirius continued, glancing up at James. 'You've been in a weird mood for days. I wish you'd snap out of it, it's getting really boring.'

'Right, well,' said James, stung, 'I'm sorry if my personal problems aren't providing enough entertainment for you!'

'Oh, don't be like that, Prongs, they usually do.' He let his wand fall, causing the dog to vanish back into the flames, and gave James an odd look. 'What personal problems?'

James paused. He hadn't actually meant to say that. 'None. I mean, I don't have any. It was just a figure of speech.' He glanced at Remus, who raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Sirius seemed to notice the look and a frown appeared on his forehead. 'Are you not telling me something?' he demanded.

'Yes,' said James, standing up. 'Lots of things.' He gestured at the table. 'Clear that up before Lily gets back, won't you? Don't want her to explode all over the common room, it could be messy.'

'We're practising for our NEWTs!' protested Sirius, spreading his hands. 'How can she object to that?'

'Knowing Lily? Very easily.'

'Fine.' He made no attempt to put out the fire, however, but watched James as he gathered up various books. 'I'll find out what's going on, you know.'

'There's nothing going on,' said James firmly. 'I'm just going to head down to the Quidditch pitch and do some practise.'

Sirius stared at him. 'Why?'

James remembered the Quidditch practice of Wednesday night and a deep gloom settled over him once again. 'Trust me. I need it.'

The trouble was, he discovered once he had collected his broom and made his way to the pitch, that there was already someone using it. A slightly built figure with a mass of dark red hair was zooming around in the dim light, zigzagging in and out of the goalposts before streaking up the other end of the pitch.

He stood and watched her for a few moments in shock. She _could_ fly well, he realised with a sinking heart. He had hoped that his memory of tryouts had been coloured by the fact that, well, he was completely in love with her; but even on what appeared to be a school broom, the object of his affection was turning corners with grace and precision to match his own...

Well, nearly to match his own, he corrected himself. Let's not go overboard.

He made his way silently up to the stands to sit and watch her in peace. He didn't know how long he sat there, but the late afternoon light had definitely faded to early evening by the time she finally floated down to the ground and dismounted, shouldering her broom and disappearing into the gloom under the stands.

Not wanting to run into her and having lost the desire to do any flying himself, James sat there for some moments, the sight of the red-headed figure seemingly imprinted permanently on the back of his eyelids, and wondered what the hell to do.

'Potter?' said a voice sweetly from behind him, and he nearly jumped out of his own skin.

'Evans,' he said weakly as he turned around. 'Give me a heart attack, why don't you?'

She looked at him without smiling, one hand on her hip. 'Why were you watching me? Are you following me now?'

'No!' he protested. 'I came down to practise, and I didn't want to disturb you.'

'Right,' she said after a pause, as though she didn't believe him, and James felt a brief spurt of anger.

'Not everything I do revolves around you, Evans.'

'Really?' Lily said, sounding amused; but there was still no humour in her eyes and after another pause, she picked up her broomstick again and turned to go. 'See you around, Potter.'

'Wait, Lily,' he said on sudden impulse, standing up. She turned back and looked at him suspiciously. 'Um...'

'Yes?'

James smiled at her sheepishly. 'You're very hard to talk to when you look at me like that, you realise?'

She didn't smile, but continued to stare at him stonily. 'If there's a point, Potter, please feel free to come to it.'

He sighed. 'The Quidditch team. The..._make-up_ of the Quidditch team.'

Finally, she did smile - but it was a bitter, knowing smile and James' heart sank at the sight of it. 'Got there in the end, did you?'

'You think Frazz is only picking purebloods for the team,' he stated, and the words seemed stupid and wrong when said out loud.

'I wouldn't put it like that,' said Lily coldly. She seemed calm, but her fists were clenching and unclenching by her sides, and James took a step back unconsciously. 'I think Frazz Davies is deliberately not picking Muggle-borns, actually.'

He frowned at her, puzzled. 'What's the difference?'

'If you don't understand the difference,' she said, and her voice was rising in pitch now, 'then there's no point in us having this conversation.' She turned to go again and he reached out and took hold of her arm.

'I think you're being a little unfair, Evans,' he said quietly, letting go of her as she turned back, eyes blazing. 'You've got no proof...'

'Proof?' she cried, staring at him with something that looked remarkably like seething hatred in her eyes. 'I don't need _proof_, Potter, I have the daily experience of living at Hogwarts.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'You haven't got _any_ idea what it's like, do you?' she spat at him, and James was taken aback by the anger in her voice. 'Bloody Perfect Pureblood Potter, you've got no idea what it's like not to fit in, do you?'

He felt his own temper begin to rise. 'What the hell does my blood have to do with anything?'

She laughed. 'Well, what the hell does _my_ blood have to do with my ability to play Quidditch? These things seem to matter to some people.'

'So, what, you're blaming me for that? Even if it's true, you can't let idiots like Davies get to you!' he shouted at her in frustration.

'Why not?' she shouted back, red in the face. 'Why on earth shouldn't I? It's not just him, Potter! It may have escaped your attention while you were showing off with a Snitch, but we are practically on the verge of _war_ because of 'idiots like Davies'!'

He gaped at her in astonishment. 'Are you seriously accusing _Frazz Davies_ of being a Death Eat-'

'No, of course I'm not,' she said, cutting him off. 'I doubt he takes interest in anything that doesn't involve broomsticks. But it's the same thing, don't you see that? It's the same attitude! They don't want us here! And, hell, maybe they're right!' Her voice was rising even higher now, and there was a distinct edge of hysteria to it. 'Maybe we _should_ all leave Hogwarts! I'm not so sure I want to stay if no one wants me here, and I miss my parents and I don't know if they're safe, and I miss my radio and the TV, and electric lights because reading by bloody candlelight makes my eyes hurt...' She took a deep shuddering breath and James realised with shock that tears were glistening in her eyes. 'So maybe I should leave, except, hey, can't do that, 'cause it turns out the Muggles don't want me either!'

She gave up whatever battle she had been having with herself to hold back the tears, sunk down onto the bench and began to sob. James stayed where he was, frozen in horror. He had never seen Lily lose control like this, and as he stared at her heaving shoulders, her face buried in her arms, he was torn between his natural impulse to flee in terror, and the growing impulse to hold her in his arms and comfort her.

Eventually he realised he would have to do something and he gingerly reached out and touched her on the shoulder.

'Lily...'

She shrugged off his touch. 'Go away.'

'Lily -'

'What part,' she said, raising a blotched face to glare at him, 'of 'go away' did you not understand?'

He sat down again beside her. 'The part where I abandon a nice girl to sit in the dark and cry on her own?'

She started to brush the tears off her cheeks and laughed shakily. 'Is this where you attempt to convince me that you're a sweet and caring person after all?'

'I _am_ a sweet and caring person.' He thought about this. 'Well, I'm okay. And I'm certainly not the jerk you think I am. You could try telling me what's really wrong,' he said quietly.

'What do you mean?'

'I'm not an idiot, Lily.'

She snorted. 'Could have fooled me.'

'What did you mean about the Muggles not wanting you?' he persisted, choosing to ignore this.

'Forget I said anything,' she said; but something about the slight wobble in her voice told him to keep questioning.

'Lily -'

'I said, forget it!'

'Look, Lily, just tell me. I want to help. Really.'

'You're nothing if not persistent, aren't you, Potter?' she said and the earlier venom had gone out of her voice.

He smiled. 'That's me. Persistent Potter. And I'm not going anywhere until you tell me.'

There was a pause while she stared fixedly at her knees. 'Two days ago...' She took a shuddering breath and started again. 'Two days ago, I got a letter from my Mum. It turns out that my big sister is getting married - and she doesn't want me to come to the wedding.' She turned a tear-stained face to James. 'Do you have any idea what it's like to have a sister who hates you because of who you are? No, wait,' she added with a harsh laugh, 'of course not. I forgot who I was talking to for a minute there. You're an only child, right?'

James hesitated. 'How did you know that?'

'Lucky guess,' she said bitterly. 'I can't believe I told you any of this.'

'Look, Lily, I understand how you feel...' He knew as soon as the words had left his mouth that it had been the wrong thing to say. Lily's head whipped around, eyes blazing.

'You understand? How? How could _you_ ever possibly understand how I feel? She's my sister, Potter! We played together when we were kids, she bought me sweets the day I hurt my knee in primary school, she always looked after me, and now? I haven't spoken to her in over a year! I've tried phoning and she just puts the phone down on me, I've sent her letters and she sends them back unopened...'

The tears were falling thick and fast now. 'And you'd think that magic would make up for it, that being a witch would make it okay that my sister hates me and my parents are unhappy, but no, turns out I'm not even allowed to have fun with magic, because I don't count as a witch either! So if I'm not allowed to be a witch and I can't be a Muggle, who the _hell_ am I? Please, tell me!'

James was at a complete loss for words. It wasn't something that happened to him very often and he hated the sensation as her eyes bore into his, desperate to comfort her but not knowing how.

'Lily...' he said eventually; paused and then gave up. 'I don't really know what to say.'

'Well, there's a surprise,' she said shakily before getting to her feet. She seemed to have got a grip on herself again. 'I must be mad, don't know why I expected anything different.'

'Lily...' he began, but he still had no idea what to say and it was too late, she had gone.

He sat there for some time after she had left, staring blankly into space until night had fallen properly and his stomach reminded him that he had missed dinner. Collecting his broom, and most of his wits, he made his way back up to the castle.

The Gryffindor table in the Great Hall was half-empty by the time he got there, the meal nearly over and Sirius, Remus and Peter nowhere to be seen. He ate alone in silence, eyes darting up and down the table looking for Lily; whether in hope or fear that she would be there he didn't really know. He still didn't know what to say to her - and as she wasn't there, he supposed it didn't really matter - but that futile desire to help still gnawed away at the pit of his stomach.

Then, out of nowhere, realisation dawned and he bolted down his last potato, nearly choking in the process, and practically ran to Gryffindor tower.

'Spitting ice-cubes,' he gasped at the Fat Lady, still spluttering from the lump of potato caught in his throat, and she raised her eyebrows at him as she swung forward.

He half-fell into the Gryffindor common room; but before he could look for the familiar mane of red hair, he was aware of someone calling his name.

'James?' Katy had appeared out of nowhere and was smiling at him. 'Want to play chess?'

'Um...'

'Prongs.' Sirius had suddenly appeared on the other side, looking excited. 'Where have you been? Look, I've had an idea of what we can do with -' he caught sight of Katy and dropped his voice '-the you-know-what.'

'Right, yes, great,' said James wildly. 'Two minutes, okay?' he added, whether to Sirius or Katy he wasn't sure, for he had just spotted Lily on the other side of the common room, determinedly not looking at him.

Or, she could have genuinely not spotted him, but he wasn't really in the mood for assumptions like that. He weaved his way through the armchairs and merrily gossiping Gryffindors and knelt down next to her chair.

'Evans.' He kept his voice low, but wasn't quite sure why since all of Lily's friends had already seen him and were staring at him avidly.

'Go away,' she said without looking at him.

'Look,' he said, determined to say it whether half of Gryffindor was listening or not, 'you're being stupid.'

That got her attention. 'I'm what, sorry?'

'So am I,' he added hurriedly. 'We're both being really stupid. Look, you know...' He paused, aware of his audience. 'You know that thing we were talking about before? Well, if it's true - if there's even a possibility of it being true - you need to go to McGonagall.'

'Potter,' she said, still staring at her book, barely moving her lips, 'just because you're stupid, please don't assume that the same is true of everyone else. You thought I hadn't already thought of that?'

James was taken aback. 'You've spoken to McGonagall?'

She sighed. 'I didn't say that.'

'I don't understand,' he said, brow furrowed.

'Never a truer word was spoken.'

'Um, excuse me?' Lily's friend Julie had leaned forward and was smiling sweetly. 'Care to let the rest of us in on this conversation?'

'No,' said James and Lily together, and they glanced at each other in surprise. He saw as she faced him for the first time that the tracks of tears still marked her face, and guilt twisted inside him.

'Maybe this isn't the best time,' he said slowly, realising that this was possibly not the most tactful approach.

'Really.'

'But I'll be back,' he said, waggling a finger at her. 'You don't get rid of me that easily. Persistent Potter, remember?'

She rolled her eyes. 'Just go away, please,' she said; but for the first time, a ghost of a genuine smile flashed across her face, so fast that James couldn't be sure he hadn't imagined it.

'And you'll go out with me one day,' he added, more out of habit than anything else, and this time he was sure he saw the corners of her mouth twitch.

'When hell freezes over, Potter.'

'I'll mark it in my diary.'


End file.
